LADIES! With Summer upon us, many of you are getting ready to show off your beach bodies, after hiding them away from us like the selfish little minxes you are.
But how can you be sure that your body is the kind of body we even want to see? Sure, you may be happy with the way you look, but what has your opinion ever counted for? This season is all about curves, but how can you tell if your curves are the good curves or the bad curves? Follow our 5-Step curve identification programme to see what celebrity you most resemble, and use it as a guide as to whether you should hit the beach like a Goddess, or hide your foul carcass in the mines for the rest of your miserable life.
1) Keira Knightly
WOW! Check out the curves on Keira! Adding lean athletic muscle to her naturally slender frame, she looks hideous! But how about those curves? Truly they are the kind of curves that all women should be jealous of, and if you’re lucky enough to look like this, then go eat some cake. You disgust us. Nobody wants to see you looking like this.
2) Kelly Brook
Kelly Brook has always wowed the sands with her stunning curves, which are a disgrace and should remain covered up. We all like curves, but there’s curves and then there’s curves. Kelly Brook’s fabulous curves? Unacceptable.
3) Kate Upton
To the lay person, one might say that Kate Upton and Kelly Brook share the same curvy figures, but the expert eye is able to spot key differences. One has a body to die for, the other is a hideous mess. We’re not even sure which is which. There is such a fine margin of error when it comes to curves, ladies. A quarter of an inch too curvy? You’re a fat pig. A quarter of an inch not curvy enough? Which eating disorder is it this week, precious?
4) Helen Mirren
WOW. That is all we can say. These are curves that would be the envy of a woman half her age. We hope we look as good as the gorgeous Helen Mirren does when we’re 69. If we do, we will kill ourselves in disgust for allowing ourselves to be seen in public like this. She looks wretched. Hit the gym, old timer!
5) Suri Cruise
Looking as cute as a button, Suri Cruise looked fucking awful when she hit the beach earlier this week. The pretty 9-year-old may have thought she could escape beach body scrutiny, but she was sorely mistaken- someone will always be watching, always be judging! Sorry ladies, it comes with the vagina!
To make sure you don’t make the same mistakes as our horrendous, beautiful celebrities, get yourself to the gym to work off those curves, while adding other curves to the curves you already have. Curve your curves into curves, but make sure you don’t over-curve your other curves. We’ll let you know if you’re doing it right!